Forgive Spontaneously

Forgive spontaneously.  I listened as the speaker spoke about her life, how her expectations and dreams had come crashing down around her and she could not stop or control the situation.  I heard her talk about how difficult it was as she realized the truth of her faith, that forgiveness was not an option, it was an integral part of her walk with the Lord and a mandatory item on the list of traits and actions of a Christian.  My conscious was prick.

A few minutes before the group of women at this retreat gathered together and lifted our voices in songs of worship for our Savior. In the middle of one song I sang with abandoned delight as I turned my heart toward him and declared "I want to love like you love!" Quietly in the depths of my spirit I heard a voice I know well.  "Even him?"  "Him" would be my son-in-law who several months ago decided that he was not a believer and he did not want to be married to my daughter anymore.  He broke his vow to her, his promise to us, and abandoned his family.  I told him when this first happened that I loved him and he would always be my "son".  He replied that we would see down the road how that held up.  He was right.

As the months have passed and I have watched my daughter respond with godly wisdom and prayfully covered  replies to his often purposefully caustic and hurtful remarks I have begun to loathe him.  I don't dislike people easily, but he has earned my anger.  Watching my daughter hurt over something she did not deserve and hearing my little grandchildren wonder if their daddy still loves them has covered my heart with a steel plate of anger.  Funny thing is I never saw it happening.  I didn't feel the welding of the metal as it was being wrapped around my heart.  I didn't hear the clank of the metal as it was set piece by piece.  I don't usually struggle with anger and this felt "righteous" as it was laid in place.

Maybe it was.  But what does it benefit the kingdom of God?  How does it achieve any glory for the Lord?  What has it done to me or for my daughter?  Not one good thing.  My son-in-law has surely felt my anger; although I haven't spoken it to him directly.  He knows what we believe about loving our enemies.  I'm sure I haven't done a good job of that.  And what about my daughter?  She has responded in ways that try as he may, my s.i.l. cannot say that she is anything but loving.  She has been the picture of a Christian response to him.  Me, not so much. I have been more of a challenge to her faith than an asset. And what of the kingdom and the glory?  yeah.  not much happening there in this on my part.

So when the Lord's tender voice gently asked me, "even him?" I wanted to tell him "not a chance", but then I don't really want to love like Jesus, do I?  I cried, tears falling from my eyes as I stood before my Savior naked once again.  My shame and my false intentions covering the light of his love within me.  And then this word . . . forgive spontaneously.  Isn't that what Christ has given me?  Instantly, waiting for my asking, over and over as I come to him with each new failure and even more, he has taken those very things that were my shame and turned them into his glory so often.  So often those things have become my badge of honor:  "Look what Jesus did for me!"

So I am displeased with the way her husband is treating my daughter and I am still angry that my four year old granddaughter tells me "Grammy, do you know my heart hurts?"  Yet, still I remember the man that fell in love with my girl and I know that my God is bigger than this man's failures and choices.  And God is able to deliver my daughter into a better tomorrow, restore this man's faith at some point, heal the heart of my wounded grandjoys, and forgive me my moment of angry indulgence.  I forgive you, Chris, even without your asking, for Christ's sake and because I truly do want to love you as Christ loves you.

Ishimwe.  We have been involved with Compassion International since about 1990.  Our first sponsor child was in Ecuador and his name was Walter.  During the several years we sponsored him we discovered that his desire was to become an auto mechanic which is what my husband does.  We began to pray that he would have the opportunity for the training necessary and that a door would be open for him to do this with his life.  We learned after a few years that every letter we had written him, every strip of stickers we had sent, every post card, every picture were all safely kept in a photo album under his bed.  They were his "treasures".  We learned so much from our relationship with Walter and although he is a grown man living somewhere in his country fixing cars, we have no contact now.  But I still think of Walter and pray for him from time to time.  Through the years we have sponsored several other children.  I believe this new one makes 12.  I opened up the page and stared at the faces of those sweet children so in need of the most basic things like clean water, education, and Jesus.  "How can I pick, Father?" I prayed. That is always the hardest part.  How do you choose?  But as I looked through the pictures a face seemed to be familiar and I knew she was the one.  So I signed up for this girl. Ishimwe is her name.  I only know her birthday, name, age and a little about her country and her home life. I will learn more as the years go by and I hear from her and send her our love. I cannot wait to write her a letter and send her some stickers and book marks and remind her that God created her with a purpose and a plan for her life for good.  

If you are not involved with a sponsorship group there are a few really good ones out there.  Compassion is at the top of the list in my opinion.  Check them out.  The sacrifice you make to sponsor one of these children is worth the effort. I promise you.  If you take the time to write you will find that you get more out of this than any money you put into it.  I encourage you to consider it, check out their website compassion.com and start sponsoring a child today.

Have you ever begun a project thinking you were doing one thing and ended up doing something completely different?  I am in the middle of that kind of experience right now.  I started working on a paper this week.  The paper is for Applied Psychology and the topic is Positive Philosophy.  I knew this would be a fun and interesting paper before I began.  I also knew I would run into some deep challenges as I looked into how a counselor works with people whose lives are affected by traumatic events in their past and how or if the philosophy mentioned can be employed to help bring about healing, resolution, or relief.  All of this is proving true already.  I am finding the books fascinating and the topic of positive philosophy really uplifting for myself.

However, because my priority list is overloaded always and I struggle with what to do right now in this minute, I am always wondering what about that over there; when do I get to it?  I have been feeling this way about some of the writing projects I am working on.  One project is about our adoption experience.  The project tells how we came to that decision, the process of adoption for us, how it affected our four children at that time, and finding and adjusting to the new child.  There is so much more to our story though.  We adopted again. And there was so much stemming from the point of adoption, healing processes for both children, and things that affected who we as a family and individuals became because of the experience of adoption.  I initially gave the journal I am using as my jumping spot to several people connected to our adoption journey as a thank you gift. I gave it to a few friends who adopted also.  I was challenged to turn into something more and I am doing that. But writing it has meant finding the line between privacy and my children's right to their own life and the information that may help someone or bless someone or encourage someone who is adopting or facing some kind difficult issue connected to the adoption or process.  I recently picked up the story and began changing it to a fictional account.  Not sure how that feels yet.  I will probably keep it true.  But mostly I felt like I don't have the time to pour the kind of emotions and thought into the project right now. So I sat it aside.  But I kept thinking about it and wondering how to balance the things I need to include with my children.  I certainly would not include anything they are not ready for me to say. But then, that could be a good portion of the book and is there a way of communicating it without betraying them?

So I have been bouncing it around and my uncle asks me how that story is going.  He has read it for me and encouraged me to get it published.  I told him my concerns in detail and he gave me some valid advice. Let it sit for a time.  Children grow up and their needs and perspectives change as they do.  Good advice.  I can see that even through my own adult life.  Let it sit and the time will come when it is ready, time is full, and the need in others will still be there.  So I am sitting on it and moving on.  Is there something you can set aside until the time is better?  Something that you don't want to let go of but could put on a shelf for a season in order to do other things or wait for a better time?  Trust God to bring it back around when the time is better and he will or he will simply remove it and give you the peace to let it go.