Not Good Enough

Not good enough, not whole

Didn't, couldn't, do it right or well.

The waves of doubt and accusation

pound against me with a force

The causes my self-image to shudder.



And for a moment I see all my weakness, all of my failings.

For one moment I see only what I am alone.



But I am not complete alone, despite what the world screams at me.

I am not ok and I know it.

I am . . . complete in you.

I am able in you.



You fill up the holes and remind me

I am a child of the Father, the King.

And I am not a child because I am worthy.

I never needed to be worthy.

But I am worthy,

Because I am yours.





I struggled for years with a sense of worthlessness and failings. I didn't need to be convinced of my need for a Savior. What I needed to be convinced of was that He wanted me. Even long after I came to know the precious salvation of the blood of Christ, I struggled with a sense of not being good enough. I tried to measure up. I tried to earn the right. Although I would not have seen it in that way. I understood that working for salvation cheapened the sacrifice of the Lord. "You foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you?" I got it. But the underlying sense of worthlessness created an impossible barrier to move into pure desire. The overriding concern was about me. I didn't like it that way but there was no way around it. It took prayer, perserverence, and deliverance from that strong hold in my life.

As I prayed and others prayed for me I came into a place of better understanding and the chains loosened. As I perservered by the power of the Holy Spirit I came into a better understanding of who I am in Christ and who He is in me. Deliverence came in ministry from friends as they felt compelled to pray for me specifically one fall evening in 1996. I literally felt the binding fall from my spirit. I can't tell you what that was other than the grace of God confirming the work He was doing in me at that moment. It left not an ounce of doubt in me and the truth of my freedom in Christ was unshakable for me from that point forward.

Now that doesn't mean that I didn't fight for my ongoing hold on freedom. I was tempted at times to sink back into woe-is-me and I-just-don't-measure-up thoughts. There were moments, even days when I allowed those thoughts to slip back into my life and reign for short waves. Then He would step in and remind me who I am and to whom I belong, and what He had already accomplished in and for me. In that knowledge always came a rush of repentence and thanksgiving for the merciful, amazing love of my Savior.

Why am I sharing this with you? There are so many people today, even believers who suffer with depression and a warped sense of who they are. If we, as Christians, can be distracted into self-pity or a sense of worthlessness it will hold us back from being the person God created us to be and doing what God calls us to do. It rejects the mighty and holy soveriegn work of sanctification accomplished and being continually worked in us through the Holy Spirit. It brings the attention to us instead of to Him and denies the Word of God.

It is a good and important thing to see our sin and move in repentance. It is not a good thing to carry that stuff around like a badge or weight upon us. (as far as the east is from the west) Knowing we need salvation from even the "small" things is a good place to be. Knowing who we are in Christ is just as important.

I encourage you, whether or not you struggle with depression and a sense of worthlessness, to make a list of scripture that tells you who you are. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal those words to you and then pick at least one or two and learn them by heart. I know I am carved into the palms of his hands and my walls are continually before him; and I know that I am part of a royal priesthood; I am his poiema, his precious creation, created for good works, planned long before I was born. I know those because the word is part of who I am. I challenge you to make it part of who you are. Even if you already know, press deeper. He has so much to say to your heart. Lean in and listen to his whisper.

When my heart is cold and unwilling
When my eyes don't see
When my ears miss your quiet call among the din of the day
You have not left me
Your presence surrounds me
Encompasses me
You never let go
You never let me go
Your hand upholds me
When I am most faithless
You are most faithful
When I hide from your presence
Your Spirit seeks me
When I come to your throne dragging up the past . . .again
You remind me that it's already gone
When I pull afar
You stay near
Calling my name
Whispering gently
Waiting
and reminding me
That you love me.
I praise you, Lord Jesus
You are today, yesterday, tomorrow
always, the same
Good, gracious, kind, loving
my salvation and my hope.
clc