whispers

Reminders of who I was
Memories of bad choices, destructive ways
Things I would do differently

Confrontations of accusations
Accusations of things that never were
Still haunt me

Why would they, do they believe that of me?
Even today - all these years later -
The sting of that indictment pulls tears from me.

Why does that still confront me?
And why does it still sting?

I stood before you this morning, Lord
Feeling the weight of my lack,
the weight of my offenses, even those imagined,
But your whisper speaks quietly to my heart.
Your gentle Spirit pulls me to sit at your feet.

In repentance and rest (is my salvation)
In quietness and trust (is my strength)

And you whisper words of wisdom to my wounded heart
And show me the foot prints of the past that led me to today,
to who I am . . . in you
And (now in this moment) I know it matters not
What is said or thought of me

Somewhere in that moment of stillness
I find my peace in you
My rest in my salvation
My strength in the quiet moment of trust
And I know you
are all I need.




A couple of years ago one of my children brought something to my attention. The something was a whisper that someone else in the family had "shared" with them about me that happened years ago. Only what was shared was not even close to true. What was true was not great, but it was nothing like what it had grown into. The humiliation of what they thought of me, even the thought that they believed it, hurt deeply. It hurt that the family member would tell anything like that to my child, even if the child is grown. It hurt that the child would believe such a thing, even if it had been true. But it wasn't true, deeper hurt.

What do you do with that kind of thing? Get angry? at whom? Get repentant? for what, the lie? or the truth, which had already been confessed and repented of long ago? Where do you put that kind of thing in your heart and mind? How do you answer the accusation when it is untrue and the piece of truth long gone? The truth was not overlooked and not minimized in the fact that sin is sin. It was already gone as far as the east is from the west.

I answered my daughter with candid honesty. I would change the truth of that moment if I could, that this was part of the consequences of choices we had so often discussed when she was a teenager. Yet, even after that, the feeling of guilt and the reminder of all those bad choices pulled the joy from me and left me gasping for peace within my heart.

As I sat with my Bible in hand and seeking forgiveness for something I wasn't even sure what, I found a passage in Isaiah that rebukes the listeners saying this is what God has for you, but you won't listen. There was no harsh rebuke in it for me. Just a gentle tug of the Spirit. "Will you take what I have already given you? Why are you bringing that back to me, again? You are stirring up what is long gone. You are pulling the west back into the east. Why? Has it brought you what you yearn for?"

No. It had not. But He could. He did. Before and again. Then and now, he is my peace and all that I need I found sitting at the feet of Jesus. Have you sat there lately?