Forgive Spontaneously

Forgive spontaneously.  I listened as the speaker spoke about her life, how her expectations and dreams had come crashing down around her and she could not stop or control the situation.  I heard her talk about how difficult it was as she realized the truth of her faith, that forgiveness was not an option, it was an integral part of her walk with the Lord and a mandatory item on the list of traits and actions of a Christian.  My conscious was prick.

A few minutes before the group of women at this retreat gathered together and lifted our voices in songs of worship for our Savior. In the middle of one song I sang with abandoned delight as I turned my heart toward him and declared "I want to love like you love!" Quietly in the depths of my spirit I heard a voice I know well.  "Even him?"  "Him" would be my son-in-law who several months ago decided that he was not a believer and he did not want to be married to my daughter anymore.  He broke his vow to her, his promise to us, and abandoned his family.  I told him when this first happened that I loved him and he would always be my "son".  He replied that we would see down the road how that held up.  He was right.

As the months have passed and I have watched my daughter respond with godly wisdom and prayfully covered  replies to his often purposefully caustic and hurtful remarks I have begun to loathe him.  I don't dislike people easily, but he has earned my anger.  Watching my daughter hurt over something she did not deserve and hearing my little grandchildren wonder if their daddy still loves them has covered my heart with a steel plate of anger.  Funny thing is I never saw it happening.  I didn't feel the welding of the metal as it was being wrapped around my heart.  I didn't hear the clank of the metal as it was set piece by piece.  I don't usually struggle with anger and this felt "righteous" as it was laid in place.

Maybe it was.  But what does it benefit the kingdom of God?  How does it achieve any glory for the Lord?  What has it done to me or for my daughter?  Not one good thing.  My son-in-law has surely felt my anger; although I haven't spoken it to him directly.  He knows what we believe about loving our enemies.  I'm sure I haven't done a good job of that.  And what about my daughter?  She has responded in ways that try as he may, my s.i.l. cannot say that she is anything but loving.  She has been the picture of a Christian response to him.  Me, not so much. I have been more of a challenge to her faith than an asset. And what of the kingdom and the glory?  yeah.  not much happening there in this on my part.

So when the Lord's tender voice gently asked me, "even him?" I wanted to tell him "not a chance", but then I don't really want to love like Jesus, do I?  I cried, tears falling from my eyes as I stood before my Savior naked once again.  My shame and my false intentions covering the light of his love within me.  And then this word . . . forgive spontaneously.  Isn't that what Christ has given me?  Instantly, waiting for my asking, over and over as I come to him with each new failure and even more, he has taken those very things that were my shame and turned them into his glory so often.  So often those things have become my badge of honor:  "Look what Jesus did for me!"

So I am displeased with the way her husband is treating my daughter and I am still angry that my four year old granddaughter tells me "Grammy, do you know my heart hurts?"  Yet, still I remember the man that fell in love with my girl and I know that my God is bigger than this man's failures and choices.  And God is able to deliver my daughter into a better tomorrow, restore this man's faith at some point, heal the heart of my wounded grandjoys, and forgive me my moment of angry indulgence.  I forgive you, Chris, even without your asking, for Christ's sake and because I truly do want to love you as Christ loves you.